The Language of Success

My favourite episode of the Two Ronnie’s is the famous ‘four candles’ sketch when they completely misunderstand each others communication. Amusing as this is I see this problem often in coaching. Linguistics, in my opinion, are one of the most vital aspects of a coaching relationship. Obvious as this might appear, many coaches do not understand the paradox of simplicity and complexity found in our rich language. Further still, they are often unaware of its potential power, both positively and perhaps more importantly negatively.  

Increasingly athletes are turning to a different kind of coach than the traditional ‘man in a tracksuit’ often associated with sport. Whether it is Sky Pro Cycling with Dr Steve Peters (Chimp Paradox), or numerous footballers, golfers, fighters and track stars with NLP coaches, athletes are increasingly utilising psychological performance specialists to enhance their performance. This is not restricted to a sporting arena however, and is certainly not restricted to professional ranks. I have in recent years, noticed a sharp increase in the uptake of coaching in all walks of life. The shared theme of any coaching, regardless of background, is the use of linguistics to create options for the client.  

We spend much of our life conversing in what is known as the ‘surface structure’ of language. Each second millions of pieces of information are channelled through our 5 senses, soaking our neurology constantly. To make sense our brains cleverly reduce this to a manageable amount. A process of deletion, distortion and generalisation followed by a complex neurological filtering process leave us with an internal representation of how we 'see' the world around us. This is paradoxical though  as although we all 'see' the same picture we all delete, distort and generalise different parts of information. Here lies the trap when purchasing 'fork handles', and likewise when coaching; we coach others through the biased lens of our individual worldview.

When coaching it is imperative from the outset to coach from a neutral position. Leaving your model of the world at the door and engaging the client in ‘their’ model of the world is fundamental for success. This simple but effective tip can assist linguistic clarity exponentially and save hours of lost coaching time trying to fit 'your' individual solution to 'their' individual problem. Cast your mind to a time when you have offered some well intentioned advice. Potentially if you had experienced a similar issue you might paste your successful solution for their similar problem? To do this you are making a presupposition that they see the issue the same way as you did; often this is not the case.

So if we talk at the surface level of language how do we dig deeper linguistically?

There is a wonderful methodology in NLP called the Meta Model, this is extremely useful when coaching, let me explain?

When someone deletes, distorts and generalises information linguistically it is often the loss of vital parts of information that need recovering, this is done away from the conscious awareness. Carefully constructed questioning that encourages the person to examine their statement regains this ‘lost’ information. Often when this is done it creates choices that can then be explored by the person being coached. In turn this leads to the generation of solutions and the powerful part is they discover these solutions and therefore retain ownership - it’s about the person being coached, not the coach. Unfortunately though, without an understanding of these linguistic programs both parties can become frustrated with each other.  The coach and the client can’t quite put their fingers on it but both intuitively feel they are not connecting; this is effectively coaching in no-mans land.

In Part 2 of this blog I will explore the Meta Model further and explain how to incorporate simple questioning techniques into your coaching.

By Phil Quirk

The Magic of the Metaphor

Gregory Bateson once famously said that everything is a metaphor for something else. I find this statement resonates with my own thought process and remarkably reflects how I use metaphors to teach.

Recently one of my friends made a passing remark that, in his opinion, I would give up on my business plans and return to the safe ‘corporate’ work within 1 year. He did not realise I overheard the remark, and in all honesty it has no relevance, his opinion is as valid as those who have expressed confidence in my venture. 

For real innovation you must be prepared to walk against the flow of conventionalism, true entrepreneurs are not afraid to swim against the tide. 

Taking the plunge into business can be a daunting prospect, a leap into the unknown without certainty and riddled with doubt. The natural human inclination is to seek approval and advice from those you value the most, close friends or family, but are these the best source for impartial advice in such matters?

Firstly lets examine the quirky British penchant for pessimism. Linguistically, as a nation, we will always air on the side of caution – after all its best not to get our hopes up, you need look no further than our World Cup expectations for this.

If you asked a friend “How’s it going?”

The response might be “not bad.”

Or perhaps even “could be worse.”

Catching an optimistic Brit might bring you “getting there!”

We use a famous metaphor when deciding important professional decisions, whether that is leaving a job, starting a new business or moving home.

‘The grass is not greener on the other side.”

Before we examine this metaphor I think it important at this juncture to agree some premises for the blog, presuppositions agreed within NLP.

Firstly the map is not the territory. The world that I see is not the world you, or anyone else sees.  We will delete, distort and generalise different information through our senses. The information is further filtered through time & space, memories, values, language and meta-programs resulting in the internal representation we both have, which are very different ‘realities’.

Secondly, perception is projection.  Often when offering advice, not dissimilar to some therapy; the friend offering advice is actually talking to themselves  They are looking in a metaphorical mirror and seeing your face, but the reflection is theirs and it is themselves they are counselling.

Once you understand these premises it becomes easier to apply perspective to any advice received externally. It’s also important to develop the idea that all advice is intended positively, however difficult to understand at times from your model of the world. The friends that are excited and optimistic see that in themselves so genuinely ‘feel’ that way, those who are pessimistic, the same applies and through their pessimism they are providing you with future reasons for failure.  Intuitively the same reasons that have protected them from taking risks in the past, they are loaning you their safety blanket. 

So what does the ‘greener grass’ metaphor mean, at least in my model of the world? For some others it could mean that most people do not feel content with their lawn, so are drawn to the other side of the road like a magpie catching a glimpse of silver; only to be disappointed once they arrive. It could also mean that your better staying with the lawn you have come to know, adopting a ‘better staying with a half full glass of something you know’ mindset than gambling on a move to something unproven.  If you’re part of being workforce it could mean that it is better to have many hands working on a large pitch of grass as apposed to working a small plot independently, safety in metaphorical numbers.

This is the wonderful gift of metaphors; if a picture paints a thousand words then a metaphor can paint a thousand pictures.

In my world the grass is not ‘greener’; the colour of the grass is actually irrelevant on arrival. It is what you do once you take ownership of the grass that is important. Enthusiasm, altruism, energy and determination are all qualities needed to tend your lawn. Working when nobody else is looking and at times enduring the bad weather while remaining true to the cause will keep you on track to develop a prize winning lawn.  Listening to advice and understanding its higher intention helps retain perspective because at the end of the day, we’re all amateur gardeners in need of professional advice.

Phil Quirk

Co-Director of HBP-Training

www.hbp-training.com / phil.quirk@hbp-training.com

https://www.linkedin.com/pub/philip-quirk/47/351/747

Success – The Butterfly Effect?

Recently a good friend of mine conducted a small experiment, for two days he would be as vigilant as possible to any kind of butterflies inhabiting his reality. He would consciously be alert, throughout the two-day period, to the presence of anything relating to butterflies. This experiment, to really test validity, would be conducted in winter, deep in the South Atlantic Ocean! You might ask why would he commit his time to such a ‘meaningless’ and unlikely task? The reason is simple, everything has meaning, and its how you interpret the meaning around you that determines your destination – or is it?

Synchronicity is the belief in NLP that everything is connected in some way; it’s how you use those connections that define your outcomes. Some people see the proverbial glass as half empty, with this model of the world they may never see the opportunities that surround them every second. Others see the glass as half full and are waiting, to pounce at the chance to top the glass up, thus seeing the glass only temporarily half full, with the opportunity to top up coming along at any second. Perspective is everything, and at the same time nothing; in fact does perspective even exist – as we say in NLP ‘the map is not the territory’? The world that I see is not the world you see, and this is the same for everyone. I am unsure whether this statement strengthens or weakens the theory of perspective, it does however make it fascinating. I do know one thing hover, there are things I know I don’t know, which is absolutely fine with me – in fact not knowing is what gives us curiosity and invention. It does, however, lead to an interesting notion, what do really successful people know, which perhaps unsuccessful people don’t?

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events as meaningfully related, where they are unlikely to be casually related. The subject sees it as a meaningful coincidence as apposed to a chance occurance. This theory was first explored by Carl Jung in the 1920’s; it was not published in a research paper however until 1952 by Wolfgang Pauli.

Confusing as all this may be I think at this point it might be prudent to agree on the elements of the equation that are undeniable.

• ·      We all breathe oxygen.
• ·      We all have similar genetics, which gradually decline with age eventually leading to death.
• ·      We all have the same basic needs to survive.

Outside of these constants I like the idea that the ‘canvass’ is blank, for sure there is an infinite amount of external factors each having a finite influence on our individuality, but if we could influence our destiny by altering our perspective then surely this means we can, by virtue, alter our successfulness? Can I think abundance into my life without taking any physical action, perhaps not? However, if I am ‘looking’ in the right direction I can give myself the best start.

I have heard that when teaching students to down hill mountain bike the single most effective coaching point is ‘look where you want to go’. If your concentration and awareness is placed down the trail and towards your intended goal the bike will naturally ‘flow’ in that direction. Conversely if, for a split second, you focus your intention on the ditch running next to the trail the result is inevitable.

This poses an interesting theory, are life’s losers always looking towards the ditch and are the winners looking down the trail? What are the variables outside of their awareness that influence the individual perspective, and more importantly can you teach people to ‘look where you want to go’.   

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

This is a philosophical thought experiment that raises questions regarding observation and knowledge of reality. With this theory in mind let me reword the metaphor.

“If there is an amazing opportunity and no one sees it, does the opportunity exist?”

Synchronicity teaches us to be mindful of the things right in front of us; the opportunities to achieve abundance surround us all. However all the opportunity in the world is irrelevant without the ability to connect the dots, these dots interpreted through our individual model of the world define our behaviours, in turn these behaviours shape our future.

My friends experiment proved incredibly interesting. First he saw some butterfly tattoos on a women’s hand when boarding his flight, not long after that on the flight there was an article which contained pictures of butterflies, after this when arriving at the airport in the Falkland Islands he saw a painting by a school child of a butterfly on a wall in the airport, lastly on his first night when flicking through some DVD’s he ‘noticed’ one – The Butterfly Effect.

Were these butterflies always there, of course they were, however; had he not ‘noticed’ them they would never have existed in his model of the world – or would they?